BEINGAWOMAN
alexandra riana-rocas
She starved herself because she starved to be loved.
Nevertheless she was taught she wasn’t worthy of any kind of love,
A life of despair and hatred towards herself she lived,
Hoping soon it would end,
Looking for a reason to bend, To reconsider and not to end,
What could’ve been a beautiful life,
Was now ashes burned to the ground.
WHAT I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT NIGHT
I hate you
At least I think so
I hate it how you never call
How you disappear in the wide And after a day you’ll apologise. But it is never enough.
I hate it how you didn’t tell me. I hate it how she held you.
The sharp and disgusting,
Loathing, absurd thought that she had you.
She got to feel you,
To touch you,
To be with you, To love you.
I absurdly believe that you don’t care,
Maybe you once did,
Maybe your not aware,
Of thy pain I went through because I care about you.
I care about how you feel,
Who you’ve been with,
Who hurt you and who made you happy,
What your dreams are and what you are most afraid of.
I nevertheless wish you’d just say how you feel, What you want from me, Do you want me to cry?
Do you want me to scream?
Do you want me to worry?
Do you want me to hate you?
Do you want me to love you?
Do you want me to touch you?
Do you want me to feel you?
Or
Do you want me to hate her?
I don’t believe I do,
I don’t even have a slight shimmer of what has been,
What she did and how you felt,
I hate the fact that she was yours and you were hers
I hate that you held her
You had your arms around her She laid her head on you. You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her.
You held her like you should’ve held me.
You held her like you should be holding me.
You held her like you should be holding me in thy future.
I don’t know if you are still holding her.
If you still love her.
If you ever loved her. I wish her the best, But with another man.
You’re not her’s
You had said you’re mine but have you meant that?
Your fate indeed to be with me,
To hold me,
To be with me, To love me.
I wish you would just tell me
As morose,
As happy,
As absurd,
As disgusting,
As loathing,
As enough,
As plain,
As colourful as it might be,
I want you to trust me my dear,
When you said you’re not going to hurt me, break my heart.
Did you mean that?
Did you mean that?
Did you mean that?
Did you cross your fingers or did you mean that?
Do you still talk to her?
Do you tell her the things you’ve told me?
Do you call her “my dear” as well?
Is she your love?
In bloodish colours and spoken horror,
The tears I have cried and the laughs I’ve cut,
I ask you again
Again and again, Do you still love her?
Ana
That name
I’ll never hear the same
Ana
Did you tell Ana you love her?
Did you actually love Ana?
Do you still love Ana?
Did you ever actually like me?
Did you lie to me?
Did you stop liking me when you saw my body?
Or maybe just my face?
Was that enough?
I dream that not.
I dream that on your knees you’ll beg,
To forgive you for making me shred tears across my face,
And I will forgive you,
I will forgive you when you answer. When you answer this.
This unspoken words,
This fate that hurt, This blade that cannot bend.
I also dream one day,
As foolish as it indeed is,
That you in the far be waiting,
Next to the crasher you’ve been carrying,
You’ll wait and you’ll agree, You’ll place thy cold ring on my fingers, That this will not just be a dream.
And if not me then Ana,
Or whoever, Whoever you’d like more, If you’d like someone more.
Then to god I will pray for your head in the right space,
Cause my dear no one will think of you like me,
No one will ever hold you like I will, No one will be me.
A fool you are,
A disgusting man,
A disgrace to the human race,
For making me feel this,
Making me cry,
I don’t deserve this, But I deserve you, You deserve me!
Nothing better than me there’ll be.
For sure I tell you my dear,
Let the past behind,
And tell me how you feel,
Tell me what you fear, Tell me what hurt you, Tell me who loved you.
For you I’d be wherever,
I trust you for the better,
And for thy love of the gods, I hope you feel the same.
Alexandra-Riana Rocas (she/her) is a young author while also a high school student, born in Romania but now residing in northern Germany. Her writing has won the 3rd place of the 2022 edition of “Valentine’s fanfic contest” on the beloved Instagram account @crimminds_confessions. One of her poems “we might” has been published on the “Atomic Form” website. Her writing consists mostly of short stories regarding the different aspects in a persons life, that they don’t show. Her writing is also filled of poems and short quotes inspired by various events in her life. Her mission is to inspire more people to open themselves up to books, poetry and to teach them to allow themselves to be influenced by the beauty of literature. Alexandra is currently working on a deceptive manuscript while continuing to write more poetry.
​
Instagram: @rocasalexandra